Angst At Its Best

Over the last several weeks, I have been nothing but angry, depressed and bitter.  Life has dealt me nothing but the worst cards and every subsequent draw has been worse than the draw before.  Being positive and looking on the bright side of life is very difficult while eating nothing but crap for weeks on end.  The figurative eating. 

I would post on Facebook, stating that I was starting to get the sinking feeling again.  People would respond that I just need to stay positive and all will work out.  That is just not working for me.  Something has to change.  Whether I change jobs, just quit the job I have, or something.  I also have to find a way to spend more time with my daughter.  That is the most important thing to me.  Spending time with my child.  I have missed so much in this past 9 months and it kills me that I will be missing more. 

I don't see much that is positive right now.  I don't see anything that will help unless I get help from someone else.  Some employer is going to have to take a leap of faith on me.  And the big problem is I cannot make anyone do anything.  I can only hope that someone will take that leap of faith. 

So, until something works out for me there will not be much in this world that will put a smile on my face.  I will smile as much as I can.  I will smile when I see my daughter.  But while I am away from her, I will mostly have tears in my eyes because, for some reason, life does not want to get better for me.  I know there are several aspects of my life that I should be happy about.  But those are aspects that wouldn't be any different than how they are now. 

Not sure how I can end this.  Some piece of knowledge or set of words that will be profound and leave you with something...but right now, I have nothing.  Nothing but hurt. 

In the mid 90's Nine Inch Nails came out with an album entitled 'The Downward Spiral.'  One of the songs on that disc is called 'Hurt'.  Johnny Cash covered the tune on his final album before he passed.  The opening line from that song goes...'I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.'  Sometimes I feel I need to do something like that to see if I have become numb to what is hurting me.  But then I think about missing my daughter and how much my life is screwed up and the tears start to flow.  So, actually causing myself damage is not needed. 

I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo, but what kind of scares me is that the pain that the needle will inflict will release a flood of emotions that I would not be able to control.  It has happened to me before.  A girlfriend was giving me a massage and she hit a knot in my back that, I guess, was holding a lot of suppressed emotions and I was in tears.  Yeah, I have issues. 

I want to be positive.  I want to be happy.  I want...I just want things to get better and I just don't know how to do that.  What I am...is at a loss and in need of help.

Just Stop...

Has been awhile since I last posted.  Felt it was time...well, been wanted to write for awhile, but never had the access and my brain was in many different places at once. 

I want to say to all people in some type of conflict in this world....JUST STOP!!!!!!!

Seriously, just stop. 

Syria...Just stop.  They tried to stop...or actually Kofi Annan tried to get them to stop, but that didn't work.

Israel/Palestinians...just stop.  This also goes for every other faction and country in the world that wants to destroy the people of Israel.

GOP/Democrats...Conservative/Liberal...just stop.  This bickering back and forth is getting silly.  I see what could be solutions to what ails this country.  Why can't you and why can't you actually work together for the greater good of the people of this country....ALL PEOPLE of this country and not your vested interest of the moment.

And to all the religions of the world...just stop.  Look at how many people have died in the name of religion.  This is just so stupid.  I thought religion was suppose to help people.  Teach people how to care for others.  Help those pick themselves up off the ground and become better people in the world.  All I see is examples of intolerance and hatred.  I always thought religion was to teach people how to be humble and care for their fellow human being.

There is too much hate, too much intolerance, too much of people ready to come to blows over the tiniest of infraction.

Just stop.