A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
I personally had not seen this light, but someone close to me had.
Had seen the light for many many years.
A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
What do you say to someone when a light goes out in this manner?
What do you say to someone when the light had always shined so bright for that person and many others?
What do you say....when a light goes dark for no knowable reason?
A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
As I sit and write this, I wonder...I wonder what to say, what to do and how to help?
Sometimes you can't help.
Sometimes the best thing to do is not help.
Sometimes just being there and listening and taking care of things that might be neglected is the best way to help.
A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
As my mind fights to find the next words to say, the next words to write, the next anything to do...I think now about how to help those that still have a light.
But a light that for some reason might be dimming.
Lights that should be brighter than any star in the sky.
Lights that should be so full of life.
A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
We can no longer be selfish in our lives.
We can no longer neglect those around us.
We must find ways to keep those lights bright.
We must find ways to show the dimming lights a way to be bright again.
A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
I now know what I must do in my life to make sure a light in my life stays bright.
I now know the further sacrifice that I must make.
I now know that I have to continue to fight for a better life for any that I encounter in my life.
If I can touch but just a few, maybe...maybe...maybe...many more lights will find their brightness again.
A light went out today. A light went out way too early.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Death On Duty
I am trying to find a way to say to the world...you are responsible for your actions. We hear that all the time. Yet, whether it is a crime committed, a deadline missed or a curfew broken it is always someone else that is at fault and we are not responsible for the mistake we made.
I did that for years. And to a degree, I still want to blame others for the problems in my life. There is so much that I do not control in my life right now. That being said, I have to find a way to gain that control back. It is up to me. No one else. Me, I have to find a way to make things better. Sometimes I need help, but it is still my responsibility to get things done. If I can't, I have to find a way to keep trying.
How does this little rant pertain to Death On Duty?
Well, in the last 4 days there has been 5 shooting deaths in the San Francisco Bay Area with police officers involved. This follows an incident where 2 Santa Cruz, CA officers were killed in the line of duty. The questions were posed as to why the incidents have happened. Was it because the officers were being over protective of themselves after 2 of their fellow officers were killed? Was it because the suspects don't care about police authority? Does it really matter?
We are responsible for our actions. I remember back in the 90's while I was living in New York City, I was working for a radio news network. A suspect was being chased by the entire Philadelphia police department. Once they caught him, they beat the crap out of the guy. Now, I don't remember all the details, but the suspect, I believe, tried to rundown officers with a car and other nasty things that scared the hell out of the police. And to top things off, people in the newsroom were trying to say that the suspect will probably have a police brutality case. WHAT? This guy just tried to kill several officers and he has a police brutality case. As far as I know, no case was ever brought for this incident for one...Two, do you really think any judge or jury would ever consider giving this guy anything after what he had done?
Now, were the police right to pound on the guy once they caught him? Probably not, but here is my ultimate point. When you choose to try and hurt someone...all beats are off. You made a choice and you must suffer the consequences of your actions. Goes to the police as well. If an officer pulls out his weapon to protect himself and the community, he has to be right in that decision. There was a picture of an officer kicking the crap out of a woman that was already handcuffed. Sorry, dude, but you are fired and hopefully, you will be prosecuted for his actions.
People make mistakes and always will. And I am sympathetic. Cooler heads must start prevailing in our society. No matter what the problem is. But once you choose to cross a line that will cause others pain for no other reason but you want to be the dominant person, all beats are off. You gave up your right to be treated with respect. Doesn't matter what side of the law you decide to be on. If you decide to be a dick, guess what, we don't have to like you. And you do not have the right to wonder why no one likes you. You are a dick. Stop being a dick and people will like you. Stop being a criminal and the police will have to leave you alone. And if people stop being criminals and hating the police, maybe all the problems we have in our communities will go away.
I know, big giant pipe dream. But again, be responsible for your actions...everyone. And a lot of problems will go away.
I did that for years. And to a degree, I still want to blame others for the problems in my life. There is so much that I do not control in my life right now. That being said, I have to find a way to gain that control back. It is up to me. No one else. Me, I have to find a way to make things better. Sometimes I need help, but it is still my responsibility to get things done. If I can't, I have to find a way to keep trying.
How does this little rant pertain to Death On Duty?
Well, in the last 4 days there has been 5 shooting deaths in the San Francisco Bay Area with police officers involved. This follows an incident where 2 Santa Cruz, CA officers were killed in the line of duty. The questions were posed as to why the incidents have happened. Was it because the officers were being over protective of themselves after 2 of their fellow officers were killed? Was it because the suspects don't care about police authority? Does it really matter?
We are responsible for our actions. I remember back in the 90's while I was living in New York City, I was working for a radio news network. A suspect was being chased by the entire Philadelphia police department. Once they caught him, they beat the crap out of the guy. Now, I don't remember all the details, but the suspect, I believe, tried to rundown officers with a car and other nasty things that scared the hell out of the police. And to top things off, people in the newsroom were trying to say that the suspect will probably have a police brutality case. WHAT? This guy just tried to kill several officers and he has a police brutality case. As far as I know, no case was ever brought for this incident for one...Two, do you really think any judge or jury would ever consider giving this guy anything after what he had done?
Now, were the police right to pound on the guy once they caught him? Probably not, but here is my ultimate point. When you choose to try and hurt someone...all beats are off. You made a choice and you must suffer the consequences of your actions. Goes to the police as well. If an officer pulls out his weapon to protect himself and the community, he has to be right in that decision. There was a picture of an officer kicking the crap out of a woman that was already handcuffed. Sorry, dude, but you are fired and hopefully, you will be prosecuted for his actions.
People make mistakes and always will. And I am sympathetic. Cooler heads must start prevailing in our society. No matter what the problem is. But once you choose to cross a line that will cause others pain for no other reason but you want to be the dominant person, all beats are off. You gave up your right to be treated with respect. Doesn't matter what side of the law you decide to be on. If you decide to be a dick, guess what, we don't have to like you. And you do not have the right to wonder why no one likes you. You are a dick. Stop being a dick and people will like you. Stop being a criminal and the police will have to leave you alone. And if people stop being criminals and hating the police, maybe all the problems we have in our communities will go away.
I know, big giant pipe dream. But again, be responsible for your actions...everyone. And a lot of problems will go away.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Some Days You Just Need A Good Slap
I love my friends. That is really all I would have to say, but anyone that would read this would probably think...'yeah, I love my friends too. but why the hell did you stop at saying that you love your friends.'
This was one of those instances that just needed to happen. If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you would know that I am not the most positive person. There are many reasons for not being a positive person, but here is not the place to rehash all the I am angry at. Read previous posts and you will understand.
Anyway, on Facebook I made a post and a friend wrote back and I said something back and then my phone rang. Needless to say, her suggestion to me was...not necessarily ignored, but dismissed out of hand. Yeah, she was none to happy. And when I say none to happy, what I mean by that is she was tired of me being so defeatist.
Being defeatist has been a default state for me for years. For whatever reason, whatever it is I would love to do I can't because...well, I just don't feel it will work out.
For close to 2 hours we talked about all the possibilities that I could and should go after. And I needed it. For too long, I have just been bitchy. Yes, men can be bitchy, too. I was always so down on what I needed to do.
It will be a process for me, but I am trying not to be so negative. I will try not to be so defeatist. There is so much I can do in life. I just have to find a way to do it. The pursuit will be hard and filled with people and institutions that will say no to me. But I have to find a way to get past it. I have to. And getting past what happens to being trying to defeat me on any given day is not just for me. I have a little girl that needs to see her dad doing everything he can to become a better person everyday.
So, needless to say....I love my friends.
This was one of those instances that just needed to happen. If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you would know that I am not the most positive person. There are many reasons for not being a positive person, but here is not the place to rehash all the I am angry at. Read previous posts and you will understand.
Anyway, on Facebook I made a post and a friend wrote back and I said something back and then my phone rang. Needless to say, her suggestion to me was...not necessarily ignored, but dismissed out of hand. Yeah, she was none to happy. And when I say none to happy, what I mean by that is she was tired of me being so defeatist.
Being defeatist has been a default state for me for years. For whatever reason, whatever it is I would love to do I can't because...well, I just don't feel it will work out.
For close to 2 hours we talked about all the possibilities that I could and should go after. And I needed it. For too long, I have just been bitchy. Yes, men can be bitchy, too. I was always so down on what I needed to do.
It will be a process for me, but I am trying not to be so negative. I will try not to be so defeatist. There is so much I can do in life. I just have to find a way to do it. The pursuit will be hard and filled with people and institutions that will say no to me. But I have to find a way to get past it. I have to. And getting past what happens to being trying to defeat me on any given day is not just for me. I have a little girl that needs to see her dad doing everything he can to become a better person everyday.
So, needless to say....I love my friends.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I Learned Way Too Late
I was so angry at the world for so long and didn't know how until my late 20's to really examine the world around me that I am now in a position that very few find themselves in. The position is 'I have no idea what I am going to do.'
What I mean by that is I recently left the job that I had that was making me sick in many different ways. Not only was my physical health deteriorating, but my emotional and psychological as well.
I became a truck driver not because I wanted to see the country and not be tethered to anything. I became a truck driver because I had no choice. Work was non-existent for me. Never have I had problems in my life finding work for longer than a month or 2. But this was different. The tenor of the employment world changed. No longer would employers take a chance on someone. Which was always my ace in the hole. If I could get in a talk with someone, more often than not I would get a chance to learn and prove myself and impress the employer. Not this time. All that had changed. What I found was if the job seeker did not have all the experience and knowledge to be thrown in day one and not really needed to be trained, the job seeker was not going to get that job.
And what I mean by I learned way too late is that I went after one of the hardest careers anyone could ever go after. That is being an Actor. The average person usually sees just the success of the top movie and TV stars. They do not see the struggle most of the actors go through. I have friends that make a living performing, but that living doesn't leave much for anything else. It is a hard life, but it is fun and rewarding.
What I did not know...well, maybe I did, but was too blind to see it at the time. Was that there were many creative outlets that I would enjoy and be able to have a solid middle class life with out the starving artist life. 10 years ago, I was exposed to video production for the web. Audio podcasts which are basically radio talk shows for the web. With that exposure, I found that I could have the creative outlet I need and be able to make a good living.
Now, after being out of that business for close to 5 years, I long to be back in it. The economy is getting better and maybe someone will take a chance on me. There is always something new for me to learn no matter what it is. Hopefully, someone will give me a chance. I waited too long for this realization and I am paying the price for it. I let too many things get to me and limit what I could do in my life. One thing my child will know is that she will have so many things to choose from to do with her life, that when she makes her decision she will be well informed on everything.
What I mean by that is I recently left the job that I had that was making me sick in many different ways. Not only was my physical health deteriorating, but my emotional and psychological as well.
I became a truck driver not because I wanted to see the country and not be tethered to anything. I became a truck driver because I had no choice. Work was non-existent for me. Never have I had problems in my life finding work for longer than a month or 2. But this was different. The tenor of the employment world changed. No longer would employers take a chance on someone. Which was always my ace in the hole. If I could get in a talk with someone, more often than not I would get a chance to learn and prove myself and impress the employer. Not this time. All that had changed. What I found was if the job seeker did not have all the experience and knowledge to be thrown in day one and not really needed to be trained, the job seeker was not going to get that job.
And what I mean by I learned way too late is that I went after one of the hardest careers anyone could ever go after. That is being an Actor. The average person usually sees just the success of the top movie and TV stars. They do not see the struggle most of the actors go through. I have friends that make a living performing, but that living doesn't leave much for anything else. It is a hard life, but it is fun and rewarding.
What I did not know...well, maybe I did, but was too blind to see it at the time. Was that there were many creative outlets that I would enjoy and be able to have a solid middle class life with out the starving artist life. 10 years ago, I was exposed to video production for the web. Audio podcasts which are basically radio talk shows for the web. With that exposure, I found that I could have the creative outlet I need and be able to make a good living.
Now, after being out of that business for close to 5 years, I long to be back in it. The economy is getting better and maybe someone will take a chance on me. There is always something new for me to learn no matter what it is. Hopefully, someone will give me a chance. I waited too long for this realization and I am paying the price for it. I let too many things get to me and limit what I could do in my life. One thing my child will know is that she will have so many things to choose from to do with her life, that when she makes her decision she will be well informed on everything.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Off The Road And On The Move
Kind of a stupid title, but what I could come up with on the fly.
I have shaken up my life again. I was at the point where I was about to have a serious nutty. Now, if you don't know what I mean by a nutty, having a nutty is mean probably ending up in a padded room.
I have been driving a big rig for the last 17 months. It is a lonely life if you are over the road. Being over the road is sleeping on you truck and away from home for at least 2 weeks at a time. I am not good with being by myself for such long periods of time. To top things off, I have lost touch with so many friends that I really have no one to talk to.
Here is where I start having my nutty. Nothing good on the radio. Or, I have heard the same thing over and over again I stop listening. When I stop listening and am living in my head, bad things happen. I start to dwell. Start to dwell on things that I have no control over. Dwell on scenarios that don't exist or could never happen. Miss my daughter to a point where I am on the verge of hysterics. And if you don't know, average driving time is 8-10 hours a day. Not to mention that I am on the truck about 22-23 hours a day. Would like to see you keep your sanity under those circumstances.
Now you know why I am off the road. There are many reasons why I am off the road, but the above is the main reason. And that is the reader's digest version.
I will be writing much more now that I am home. Thoughts, stories, reactions and whatever else comes to mind.
I have shaken up my life again. I was at the point where I was about to have a serious nutty. Now, if you don't know what I mean by a nutty, having a nutty is mean probably ending up in a padded room.
I have been driving a big rig for the last 17 months. It is a lonely life if you are over the road. Being over the road is sleeping on you truck and away from home for at least 2 weeks at a time. I am not good with being by myself for such long periods of time. To top things off, I have lost touch with so many friends that I really have no one to talk to.
Here is where I start having my nutty. Nothing good on the radio. Or, I have heard the same thing over and over again I stop listening. When I stop listening and am living in my head, bad things happen. I start to dwell. Start to dwell on things that I have no control over. Dwell on scenarios that don't exist or could never happen. Miss my daughter to a point where I am on the verge of hysterics. And if you don't know, average driving time is 8-10 hours a day. Not to mention that I am on the truck about 22-23 hours a day. Would like to see you keep your sanity under those circumstances.
Now you know why I am off the road. There are many reasons why I am off the road, but the above is the main reason. And that is the reader's digest version.
I will be writing much more now that I am home. Thoughts, stories, reactions and whatever else comes to mind.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Don't Know If I Can...
This summer is going to be rough. I am writing cause I need the outlet and getting a bit emotional. Reason for the emotions...my daughter will be having 2 procedures done this summer and I will most likely not be around for either. Not being around for her really upsets me.
In June, she gets 2 teeth extracted. Her upper front teeth to be exact. Not unexpected, but I still want to be there when she goes into the office to have it done. I will see her the next day. Then a day or so later I have to leave because of work.
In late July or early August, this is the one that kills me. My daughter will be having her Tonsils and Adnoids removed to help her with her sleep apnea. Again, not unexpected. But this one is a big procedure. At least in my eyes. She will be under anesthesia and I really should be there to talk her through everything I can. I am much better at communicating with my daughter than my ex-wife is. Nothing personal, but the ex is not the most compassionate person.
I have some time to really think about what I will be able to do and what I need to do for my daughter and for me. My daughter is my life and I really feel that I need to be there.
What I am afraid of is that I may lose my position with work if I take the time. I know due to the Family Leave Act that I should not lose my spot, but employment is funny these days and I can't trust anyone right now when it comes to a job. It seems that the person I am working for right now will be willing to work with me, but until I have something in writing...I trust no one.
I have to be there for my daughter...just don't know if I can and that kills me.
In June, she gets 2 teeth extracted. Her upper front teeth to be exact. Not unexpected, but I still want to be there when she goes into the office to have it done. I will see her the next day. Then a day or so later I have to leave because of work.
In late July or early August, this is the one that kills me. My daughter will be having her Tonsils and Adnoids removed to help her with her sleep apnea. Again, not unexpected. But this one is a big procedure. At least in my eyes. She will be under anesthesia and I really should be there to talk her through everything I can. I am much better at communicating with my daughter than my ex-wife is. Nothing personal, but the ex is not the most compassionate person.
I have some time to really think about what I will be able to do and what I need to do for my daughter and for me. My daughter is my life and I really feel that I need to be there.
What I am afraid of is that I may lose my position with work if I take the time. I know due to the Family Leave Act that I should not lose my spot, but employment is funny these days and I can't trust anyone right now when it comes to a job. It seems that the person I am working for right now will be willing to work with me, but until I have something in writing...I trust no one.
I have to be there for my daughter...just don't know if I can and that kills me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Angst At Its Best
Over the last several weeks, I have been nothing but angry, depressed and bitter. Life has dealt me nothing but the worst cards and every subsequent draw has been worse than the draw before. Being positive and looking on the bright side of life is very difficult while eating nothing but crap for weeks on end. The figurative eating.
I would post on Facebook, stating that I was starting to get the sinking feeling again. People would respond that I just need to stay positive and all will work out. That is just not working for me. Something has to change. Whether I change jobs, just quit the job I have, or something. I also have to find a way to spend more time with my daughter. That is the most important thing to me. Spending time with my child. I have missed so much in this past 9 months and it kills me that I will be missing more.
I don't see much that is positive right now. I don't see anything that will help unless I get help from someone else. Some employer is going to have to take a leap of faith on me. And the big problem is I cannot make anyone do anything. I can only hope that someone will take that leap of faith.
So, until something works out for me there will not be much in this world that will put a smile on my face. I will smile as much as I can. I will smile when I see my daughter. But while I am away from her, I will mostly have tears in my eyes because, for some reason, life does not want to get better for me. I know there are several aspects of my life that I should be happy about. But those are aspects that wouldn't be any different than how they are now.
Not sure how I can end this. Some piece of knowledge or set of words that will be profound and leave you with something...but right now, I have nothing. Nothing but hurt.
In the mid 90's Nine Inch Nails came out with an album entitled 'The Downward Spiral.' One of the songs on that disc is called 'Hurt'. Johnny Cash covered the tune on his final album before he passed. The opening line from that song goes...'I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.' Sometimes I feel I need to do something like that to see if I have become numb to what is hurting me. But then I think about missing my daughter and how much my life is screwed up and the tears start to flow. So, actually causing myself damage is not needed.
I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo, but what kind of scares me is that the pain that the needle will inflict will release a flood of emotions that I would not be able to control. It has happened to me before. A girlfriend was giving me a massage and she hit a knot in my back that, I guess, was holding a lot of suppressed emotions and I was in tears. Yeah, I have issues.
I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want...I just want things to get better and I just don't know how to do that. What I am...is at a loss and in need of help.
I would post on Facebook, stating that I was starting to get the sinking feeling again. People would respond that I just need to stay positive and all will work out. That is just not working for me. Something has to change. Whether I change jobs, just quit the job I have, or something. I also have to find a way to spend more time with my daughter. That is the most important thing to me. Spending time with my child. I have missed so much in this past 9 months and it kills me that I will be missing more.
I don't see much that is positive right now. I don't see anything that will help unless I get help from someone else. Some employer is going to have to take a leap of faith on me. And the big problem is I cannot make anyone do anything. I can only hope that someone will take that leap of faith.
So, until something works out for me there will not be much in this world that will put a smile on my face. I will smile as much as I can. I will smile when I see my daughter. But while I am away from her, I will mostly have tears in my eyes because, for some reason, life does not want to get better for me. I know there are several aspects of my life that I should be happy about. But those are aspects that wouldn't be any different than how they are now.
Not sure how I can end this. Some piece of knowledge or set of words that will be profound and leave you with something...but right now, I have nothing. Nothing but hurt.
In the mid 90's Nine Inch Nails came out with an album entitled 'The Downward Spiral.' One of the songs on that disc is called 'Hurt'. Johnny Cash covered the tune on his final album before he passed. The opening line from that song goes...'I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.' Sometimes I feel I need to do something like that to see if I have become numb to what is hurting me. But then I think about missing my daughter and how much my life is screwed up and the tears start to flow. So, actually causing myself damage is not needed.
I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo, but what kind of scares me is that the pain that the needle will inflict will release a flood of emotions that I would not be able to control. It has happened to me before. A girlfriend was giving me a massage and she hit a knot in my back that, I guess, was holding a lot of suppressed emotions and I was in tears. Yeah, I have issues.
I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want...I just want things to get better and I just don't know how to do that. What I am...is at a loss and in need of help.
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