Some Days You Just Need A Good Slap

I love my friends.  That is really all I would have to say, but anyone that would read this would probably think...'yeah, I love my friends too.  but why the hell did you stop at saying that you love your friends.'

This was one of those instances that just needed to happen.  If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you would know that I am not the most positive person.  There are many reasons for not being a positive person, but here is not the place to rehash all the I am angry at.  Read previous posts and you will understand.

Anyway, on Facebook I made a post and a friend wrote back and I said something back and then my phone rang.  Needless to say, her suggestion to me was...not necessarily ignored, but dismissed out of hand.  Yeah, she was none to happy.  And when I say none to happy, what I mean by that is she was tired of me being so defeatist.

Being defeatist has been a default state for me for years.  For whatever reason, whatever it is I would love to do I can't because...well, I just don't feel it will work out.

For close to 2 hours we talked about all the possibilities that I could and should go after.  And I needed it.  For too long, I have just been bitchy.  Yes, men can be bitchy, too.  I was always so down on what I needed to do.

It will be a process for me, but I am trying not to be so negative.  I will try not to be so defeatist.  There is so much I can do in life.  I just have to find a way to do it.  The pursuit will be hard and filled with people and institutions that will say no to me.  But I have to find a way to get past it.  I have to.  And getting past what happens to being trying to defeat me on any given day is not just for me.  I have a little girl that needs to see her dad doing everything he can to become a better person everyday.

So, needless to say....I love my friends.

I Learned Way Too Late

I was so angry at the world for so long and didn't know how until my late 20's to really examine the world around me that I am now in a position that very few find themselves in.  The position is 'I have no idea what I am going to do.'

What I mean by that is I recently left the job that I had that was making me sick in many different ways.  Not only was my physical health deteriorating, but my emotional and psychological as well. 

I became a truck driver not because I wanted to see the country and not be tethered to anything.  I became a truck driver because I had no choice.  Work was non-existent for me.  Never have I had problems in my life finding work for longer than a month or 2.  But this was different.  The tenor of the employment world changed.  No longer would employers take a chance on someone.  Which was always my ace in the hole.  If I could get in a talk with someone, more often than not I would get a chance to learn and prove myself and impress the employer.  Not this time.  All that had changed.  What I found was if the job seeker did not have all the experience and knowledge to be thrown in day one and not really needed to be trained, the job seeker was not going to get that job. 

And what I mean by I learned way too late is that I went after one of the hardest careers anyone could ever go after.  That is being an Actor.  The average person usually sees just the success of the top movie and TV stars.  They do not see the struggle most of the actors go through.  I have friends that make a living performing, but that living doesn't leave much for anything else.  It is a hard life, but it is fun and rewarding. 

What I did not know...well, maybe I did, but was too blind to see it at the time.  Was that there were many creative outlets that I would enjoy and be able to have a solid middle class life with out the starving artist life.  10 years ago, I was exposed to video production for the web.  Audio podcasts which are basically radio talk shows for the web.  With that exposure, I found that I could have the creative outlet I need and be able to make a good living.

Now, after being out of that business for close to 5 years, I long to be back in it.  The economy is getting better and maybe someone will take a chance on me.  There is always something new for me to learn no matter what it is.  Hopefully, someone will give me a chance.  I waited too long for this realization and I am paying the price for it.  I let too many things get to me and limit what I could do in my life.  One thing my child will know is that she will have so many things to choose from to do with her life, that when she makes her decision she will be well informed on everything.

Off The Road And On The Move

Kind of a stupid title, but what I could come up with on the fly.

I have shaken up my life again.  I was at the point where I was about to have a serious nutty.  Now, if you don't know what I mean by a nutty, having a nutty is mean probably ending up in a padded room.

I have been driving a big rig for the last 17 months.  It is a lonely life if you are over the road.  Being over the road is sleeping on you truck and away from home for at least 2 weeks at a time.  I am not good with being by myself for such long periods of time.  To top things off, I have lost touch with so many friends that I really have no one to talk to.

Here is where I start having my nutty.  Nothing good on the radio.  Or, I have heard the same thing over and over again I stop listening.  When I stop listening and am living in my head, bad things happen.  I start to dwell.  Start to dwell on things that I have no control over.  Dwell on scenarios that don't exist or could never happen.  Miss my daughter to a point where I am on the verge of hysterics.  And if you don't know, average driving time is 8-10 hours a day.  Not to mention that I am on the truck about 22-23 hours a day.  Would like to see you keep your sanity under those circumstances.

Now you know why I am off the road.  There are many reasons why I am off the road, but the above is the main reason.  And that is the reader's digest version. 

I will be writing much more now that I am home.  Thoughts, stories, reactions and whatever else comes to mind.