Don't Know If I Can...

This summer is going to be rough.  I am writing cause I need the outlet and getting a bit emotional.  Reason for the emotions...my daughter will be having 2 procedures done this summer and I will most likely not be around for either.  Not being around for her really upsets me. 

In June, she gets 2 teeth extracted.   Her upper front teeth to be exact.  Not unexpected, but I still want to be there when she goes into the office to have it done.  I will see her the next day.  Then a day or so later I have to leave because of work. 

In late July or early August, this is the one that kills me.  My daughter will be having her Tonsils and Adnoids removed to help her with her sleep apnea.  Again, not unexpected.  But this one is a big procedure.  At least in my eyes.  She will be under anesthesia and I really should be there to talk her through everything I can.  I am much better at communicating with my daughter than my ex-wife is.  Nothing personal, but the ex is not the most compassionate person. 

I have some time to really think about what I will be able to do and what I need to do for my daughter and for me.  My daughter is my life and I really feel that I need to be there. 

What I am afraid of is that I may lose my position with work if I take the time.  I know due to the Family Leave Act that I should not lose my spot, but employment is funny these days and I can't trust anyone right now when it comes to a job.  It seems that the person I am working for right now will be willing to work with me, but until I have something in writing...I trust no one.

I have to be there for my daughter...just don't know if I can and that kills me.

Angst At Its Best

Over the last several weeks, I have been nothing but angry, depressed and bitter.  Life has dealt me nothing but the worst cards and every subsequent draw has been worse than the draw before.  Being positive and looking on the bright side of life is very difficult while eating nothing but crap for weeks on end.  The figurative eating. 

I would post on Facebook, stating that I was starting to get the sinking feeling again.  People would respond that I just need to stay positive and all will work out.  That is just not working for me.  Something has to change.  Whether I change jobs, just quit the job I have, or something.  I also have to find a way to spend more time with my daughter.  That is the most important thing to me.  Spending time with my child.  I have missed so much in this past 9 months and it kills me that I will be missing more. 

I don't see much that is positive right now.  I don't see anything that will help unless I get help from someone else.  Some employer is going to have to take a leap of faith on me.  And the big problem is I cannot make anyone do anything.  I can only hope that someone will take that leap of faith. 

So, until something works out for me there will not be much in this world that will put a smile on my face.  I will smile as much as I can.  I will smile when I see my daughter.  But while I am away from her, I will mostly have tears in my eyes because, for some reason, life does not want to get better for me.  I know there are several aspects of my life that I should be happy about.  But those are aspects that wouldn't be any different than how they are now. 

Not sure how I can end this.  Some piece of knowledge or set of words that will be profound and leave you with something...but right now, I have nothing.  Nothing but hurt. 

In the mid 90's Nine Inch Nails came out with an album entitled 'The Downward Spiral.'  One of the songs on that disc is called 'Hurt'.  Johnny Cash covered the tune on his final album before he passed.  The opening line from that song goes...'I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.'  Sometimes I feel I need to do something like that to see if I have become numb to what is hurting me.  But then I think about missing my daughter and how much my life is screwed up and the tears start to flow.  So, actually causing myself damage is not needed. 

I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo, but what kind of scares me is that the pain that the needle will inflict will release a flood of emotions that I would not be able to control.  It has happened to me before.  A girlfriend was giving me a massage and she hit a knot in my back that, I guess, was holding a lot of suppressed emotions and I was in tears.  Yeah, I have issues. 

I want to be positive.  I want to be happy.  I want...I just want things to get better and I just don't know how to do that.  What I am...is at a loss and in need of help.

Just Stop...

Has been awhile since I last posted.  Felt it was time...well, been wanted to write for awhile, but never had the access and my brain was in many different places at once. 

I want to say to all people in some type of conflict in this world....JUST STOP!!!!!!!

Seriously, just stop. 

Syria...Just stop.  They tried to stop...or actually Kofi Annan tried to get them to stop, but that didn't work.

Israel/Palestinians...just stop.  This also goes for every other faction and country in the world that wants to destroy the people of Israel.

GOP/Democrats...Conservative/Liberal...just stop.  This bickering back and forth is getting silly.  I see what could be solutions to what ails this country.  Why can't you and why can't you actually work together for the greater good of the people of this country....ALL PEOPLE of this country and not your vested interest of the moment.

And to all the religions of the world...just stop.  Look at how many people have died in the name of religion.  This is just so stupid.  I thought religion was suppose to help people.  Teach people how to care for others.  Help those pick themselves up off the ground and become better people in the world.  All I see is examples of intolerance and hatred.  I always thought religion was to teach people how to be humble and care for their fellow human being.

There is too much hate, too much intolerance, too much of people ready to come to blows over the tiniest of infraction.

Just stop. 

The Waiting

You would think that with the amount of patience that I have waiting would not be that big of a deal.  With the not so important stuff, I can wait.  Not that big of a deal.  With stuff that matters and stuff that I am tired of dealing, the waiting is killing me.

I don't remember this, but my older brother told me a story that I wanted to play with a neighbor so bad that I sat in front of his house for hours waiting for him to come home so I could play.  There are so many things that I can sit and wait for.  The reason is, things happen in there time and there is usually not that much that I can do to make whatever it is happen faster.  So, I wait.

That being said, I hate making people wait.  I try to get whatever I am working on done so that the person waiting on me can get done what they have to.  Also, with me...at some point that large amount of patience finally runs out.  And this issue goes with what legal stuff I have been dealing with. 

7 years ago, I was an easy going guy.  Was doing a lot of theater work.  Working a low end job, but had full benefits and was able to do the large amount of theater work.  Changed jobs within the company, met a girl that I fell for and stopped doing the theater work due to the fact that I was working a lot more hours than I was before.

Then the girl started testing my patience.  A daunting task, I assure you, but I was tested nonetheless.

Finally, after a couple years the patience was gone.  Not a couple of days.  Not a couple of months.  But a couple of years before I finally had enough and said no more.  And what was funny about that...she said that I no longer had patience for her.

If I wasn't so mad, I would have laughed my ass off.  Think about it.  Someone works on you for years and then wonders why the patience is now gone.

I just realized that this post went more to the Patience realm than the Waiting.   But to me, Patience and Waiting are almost the same thing.  In this case...the Patience is gone and I no longer want to wait.  But I have to because I have to wait for others to do what they need to do before I can do what I need to do.

Figuring It Out

One of these days, I will figure all this stuff out.

The reason I say that is every time I think I have my issues dealt with something new comes up.  Now, you have to understand that I have tried to be the nice guy in all situations.  I always tried to do the right thing.  Always tried to smooth things over with whomever I had a problem with.  Always tried to be the peace maker and whatever else I had to do to make things right.

I failed more often than not.  But I kept trying.  I found that the people who ended up being my best friends were the ones that wanted me to be honest and point out when they were doing stupid stuff.  The people that I ended up having the biggest problems with being my friend was the type of person that could not deal with hearing the truth and life and about themselves. 

I never tried to criticize with malice.  Never tried to criticize that couldn't, ultimately, help.  There were many times that words were not chosen well and the approach was wrong.  But I always tried to help.

Now, I have found myself in a situation that I am not sure I can remedy.  I am now dealing with a person that does not want to deal with anything in a rational manner.  And in trying to deal with this person, the situation has just become worse and I finally figured out that there is nothing I can do to get this person to look at what is going on in a rational way.

I think once I get all this out of my system that I will finally be able to quiet my mind and get some real sleep.  Quiet my mind and truly be able to concentrate on my task at hand.  Quiet my mind and just have my mind clear and without preoccupation on any problem in my life.

One day...I hope to truly live in the moment and just be.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking...

The problem with spending so much time by yourself is that you tend to spend way too much time in your own head.  You do everything you can to occupy your brain, but eventually your mind wins out and random stuff starts popping in and then all the issues you have ever had in your life start bubbling up. 

That is what I am going through right now and the reason I am writing this right now.  I thought...yes, thought...maybe I will write about my current level of insanity and maybe I can get it to stop.  Will let you know how that goes. 

What all this preoccupation in my brain comes down to is that I miss my daughter.  I want this divorce to be final and I want to be working somewhere that I can believe in. 

The only way I am going to get a job that might kill two of my issues listed above is if someone helps me out.  If someone takes a chance on me.  Problem is, I just don't see that happening. 

The last part of the issues above is well on its way to being over.  Had to take some matters into my own hands because of some 'issues'.  Didn't want to, but some people were not playing nice and I had to do something.

I swear, if someone was in this truck with me while I was driving, they would be looking to have me committed.  Seriously, too much time in my own head.

Just venting to vent...

There are so many things about this life that I do not understand.  The one that most drives me nuts is why people treat each other like they do.

Why treat you fellow man like sh**?  It makes no sense.

I really should not be surprised.  This has been going on since the dawn of man.  But what really irks me more is that those that claim to be super righteous and followers of a grand religion are the worst offenders.

Now before someone starts going after me about this whole war on religion thing, I am so not doing that.  But let's look at the evidence.

For the last 2000 years, Christianity has been the leading religion in the western world and a good part of the rest of the world as well.  Christians are the followers of Jesus Christ.  Now, if you are familiar with Jesus then you know his story and that he was a very gentle man save for one moment.  That one moment he got mad at a bunch of merchants, at least that is what the story is in the bible.  Don't quite remember all the details, but you get the point.

The rest of what Jesus taught, from what I remember, was tolerance, acceptance and generally loving everyone.  I look at Jesus as the original hippie.

Now I know some people are going to freak over that statement.

But think about it.  What were the hippies of the 60's promoting?  While there were a lot of drugs going on at the time, they wanted acceptance, tolerance and love.  And what do the fundamentalist Christians want now?  They want to ban certain groups from getting married and trying to live a happy life.  They want to stop woman as a group from utilizing family planning.  But they want all the freedom in the world to do what they want to do and they want the gov't to stop other people from doing stuff they don't like.

WHAT...THE...F**K?

I have many friends that are devoted Christians, but none, I hope, would ever try stop someone else from being happy.

Jesus (I feel), above all else, taught acceptance.  So, what are these people missing?

God, I needed that!

Had my first belly laugh in, I don't know, maybe months...years.  Who the hell knows.  All I can say is that I needed it.  Again, can't say much about what made me laugh.  Has to do with that legal stuff I am going through, but let's just say I might be getting my swagger back.  At least some of it. 

If people could learn to play nice, stuff like what is going on with me would not have to happen.  But, people are selfish and don't want to play nice.  Careful what you wish for, you just might get it and it will not be what you were hoping for.

Trying to move on

I think more than anything, if I can find a way to move on with my life...things will get better.  The problem is that it is hard to move on when final divorce judgement is being held up.  Not by me, by the way.  And there is such bitterness.  My bitterness is reactionary.  If I was treated with something resembling respect, we wouldn't have the issues that we have.  But I can't control that.

There is one aspect that is making moving on so hard.  My child.  She has been thrust in the middle of this anger.  I have done everything that I can to not have her in the middle, but I failed.  Until things get resolved, I have removed myself from the equation.  Meaning, I don't call and I don't try to set up time to see her.  There is a huge reason for that which I will not go into here.  See first post for reason.  I am in an impossible situation dealing with people that say one thing then do something else.  Making me nuts.

Oh yeah...the trying to move on thing.  I sent an email out to a woman through a dating website.  Haven't met her in person, but you never know.

Hello

A long time ago...


A friend of mine and I started writing music together.  We called ourselves 'Brothers Angst'.  Today, I decided to use the monicker of 'Brothers Angst' to vent my frustrations that is my life, as well as invite others to vent theirs as well...and possibly, we can help each other get through our pain and become healthy people.

Over the last couple of years, I have been in a very unhealthy marriage.  It is really my own fault for allowing the relationship to get to the marriage itself, but that is not the issue right now.  Right now, I am in the impossible position of trying maneuver past the bamboo stick traps that have been set for me.

I know, I am being very vague.  At this point, I have to.  Legal reasons.  Words can be used against me and I don't feel like having the application of my first amendment right of free speech used against me.  I may be free to say whatever I want, but sometimes it is a better idea to keep you mouth shut.

Anyway, to all my brothers and sisters in angst out there.  How have you dealt with what seemed to you to be an impossible situation?  What resources were available to you?  And what kept you sane?