One of these days, I will figure all this stuff out.
The reason I say that is every time I think I have my issues dealt with something new comes up. Now, you have to understand that I have tried to be the nice guy in all situations. I always tried to do the right thing. Always tried to smooth things over with whomever I had a problem with. Always tried to be the peace maker and whatever else I had to do to make things right.
I failed more often than not. But I kept trying. I found that the people who ended up being my best friends were the ones that wanted me to be honest and point out when they were doing stupid stuff. The people that I ended up having the biggest problems with being my friend was the type of person that could not deal with hearing the truth and life and about themselves.
I never tried to criticize with malice. Never tried to criticize that couldn't, ultimately, help. There were many times that words were not chosen well and the approach was wrong. But I always tried to help.
Now, I have found myself in a situation that I am not sure I can remedy. I am now dealing with a person that does not want to deal with anything in a rational manner. And in trying to deal with this person, the situation has just become worse and I finally figured out that there is nothing I can do to get this person to look at what is going on in a rational way.
I think once I get all this out of my system that I will finally be able to quiet my mind and get some real sleep. Quiet my mind and truly be able to concentrate on my task at hand. Quiet my mind and just have my mind clear and without preoccupation on any problem in my life.
One day...I hope to truly live in the moment and just be.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thinking, Thinking, Thinking...
The problem with spending so much time by yourself is that you tend to spend way too much time in your own head. You do everything you can to occupy your brain, but eventually your mind wins out and random stuff starts popping in and then all the issues you have ever had in your life start bubbling up.
That is what I am going through right now and the reason I am writing this right now. I thought...yes, thought...maybe I will write about my current level of insanity and maybe I can get it to stop. Will let you know how that goes.
What all this preoccupation in my brain comes down to is that I miss my daughter. I want this divorce to be final and I want to be working somewhere that I can believe in.
The only way I am going to get a job that might kill two of my issues listed above is if someone helps me out. If someone takes a chance on me. Problem is, I just don't see that happening.
The last part of the issues above is well on its way to being over. Had to take some matters into my own hands because of some 'issues'. Didn't want to, but some people were not playing nice and I had to do something.
I swear, if someone was in this truck with me while I was driving, they would be looking to have me committed. Seriously, too much time in my own head.
That is what I am going through right now and the reason I am writing this right now. I thought...yes, thought...maybe I will write about my current level of insanity and maybe I can get it to stop. Will let you know how that goes.
What all this preoccupation in my brain comes down to is that I miss my daughter. I want this divorce to be final and I want to be working somewhere that I can believe in.
The only way I am going to get a job that might kill two of my issues listed above is if someone helps me out. If someone takes a chance on me. Problem is, I just don't see that happening.
The last part of the issues above is well on its way to being over. Had to take some matters into my own hands because of some 'issues'. Didn't want to, but some people were not playing nice and I had to do something.
I swear, if someone was in this truck with me while I was driving, they would be looking to have me committed. Seriously, too much time in my own head.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Just venting to vent...
There are so many things about this life that I do not understand. The one that most drives me nuts is why people treat each other like they do.
Why treat you fellow man like sh**? It makes no sense.
I really should not be surprised. This has been going on since the dawn of man. But what really irks me more is that those that claim to be super righteous and followers of a grand religion are the worst offenders.
Now before someone starts going after me about this whole war on religion thing, I am so not doing that. But let's look at the evidence.
For the last 2000 years, Christianity has been the leading religion in the western world and a good part of the rest of the world as well. Christians are the followers of Jesus Christ. Now, if you are familiar with Jesus then you know his story and that he was a very gentle man save for one moment. That one moment he got mad at a bunch of merchants, at least that is what the story is in the bible. Don't quite remember all the details, but you get the point.
The rest of what Jesus taught, from what I remember, was tolerance, acceptance and generally loving everyone. I look at Jesus as the original hippie.
Now I know some people are going to freak over that statement.
But think about it. What were the hippies of the 60's promoting? While there were a lot of drugs going on at the time, they wanted acceptance, tolerance and love. And what do the fundamentalist Christians want now? They want to ban certain groups from getting married and trying to live a happy life. They want to stop woman as a group from utilizing family planning. But they want all the freedom in the world to do what they want to do and they want the gov't to stop other people from doing stuff they don't like.
WHAT...THE...F**K?
I have many friends that are devoted Christians, but none, I hope, would ever try stop someone else from being happy.
Jesus (I feel), above all else, taught acceptance. So, what are these people missing?
Why treat you fellow man like sh**? It makes no sense.
I really should not be surprised. This has been going on since the dawn of man. But what really irks me more is that those that claim to be super righteous and followers of a grand religion are the worst offenders.
Now before someone starts going after me about this whole war on religion thing, I am so not doing that. But let's look at the evidence.
For the last 2000 years, Christianity has been the leading religion in the western world and a good part of the rest of the world as well. Christians are the followers of Jesus Christ. Now, if you are familiar with Jesus then you know his story and that he was a very gentle man save for one moment. That one moment he got mad at a bunch of merchants, at least that is what the story is in the bible. Don't quite remember all the details, but you get the point.
The rest of what Jesus taught, from what I remember, was tolerance, acceptance and generally loving everyone. I look at Jesus as the original hippie.
Now I know some people are going to freak over that statement.
But think about it. What were the hippies of the 60's promoting? While there were a lot of drugs going on at the time, they wanted acceptance, tolerance and love. And what do the fundamentalist Christians want now? They want to ban certain groups from getting married and trying to live a happy life. They want to stop woman as a group from utilizing family planning. But they want all the freedom in the world to do what they want to do and they want the gov't to stop other people from doing stuff they don't like.
WHAT...THE...F**K?
I have many friends that are devoted Christians, but none, I hope, would ever try stop someone else from being happy.
Jesus (I feel), above all else, taught acceptance. So, what are these people missing?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
God, I needed that!
Had my first belly laugh in, I don't know, maybe months...years. Who the hell knows. All I can say is that I needed it. Again, can't say much about what made me laugh. Has to do with that legal stuff I am going through, but let's just say I might be getting my swagger back. At least some of it.
If people could learn to play nice, stuff like what is going on with me would not have to happen. But, people are selfish and don't want to play nice. Careful what you wish for, you just might get it and it will not be what you were hoping for.
If people could learn to play nice, stuff like what is going on with me would not have to happen. But, people are selfish and don't want to play nice. Careful what you wish for, you just might get it and it will not be what you were hoping for.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Trying to move on
I think more than anything, if I can find a way to move on with my life...things will get better. The problem is that it is hard to move on when final divorce judgement is being held up. Not by me, by the way. And there is such bitterness. My bitterness is reactionary. If I was treated with something resembling respect, we wouldn't have the issues that we have. But I can't control that.
There is one aspect that is making moving on so hard. My child. She has been thrust in the middle of this anger. I have done everything that I can to not have her in the middle, but I failed. Until things get resolved, I have removed myself from the equation. Meaning, I don't call and I don't try to set up time to see her. There is a huge reason for that which I will not go into here. See first post for reason. I am in an impossible situation dealing with people that say one thing then do something else. Making me nuts.
Oh yeah...the trying to move on thing. I sent an email out to a woman through a dating website. Haven't met her in person, but you never know.
There is one aspect that is making moving on so hard. My child. She has been thrust in the middle of this anger. I have done everything that I can to not have her in the middle, but I failed. Until things get resolved, I have removed myself from the equation. Meaning, I don't call and I don't try to set up time to see her. There is a huge reason for that which I will not go into here. See first post for reason. I am in an impossible situation dealing with people that say one thing then do something else. Making me nuts.
Oh yeah...the trying to move on thing. I sent an email out to a woman through a dating website. Haven't met her in person, but you never know.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Hello
A long time ago...
A friend of mine and I started writing music together. We called ourselves 'Brothers Angst'. Today, I decided to use the monicker of 'Brothers Angst' to vent my frustrations that is my life, as well as invite others to vent theirs as well...and possibly, we can help each other get through our pain and become healthy people.
Over the last couple of years, I have been in a very unhealthy marriage. It is really my own fault for allowing the relationship to get to the marriage itself, but that is not the issue right now. Right now, I am in the impossible position of trying maneuver past the bamboo stick traps that have been set for me.
I know, I am being very vague. At this point, I have to. Legal reasons. Words can be used against me and I don't feel like having the application of my first amendment right of free speech used against me. I may be free to say whatever I want, but sometimes it is a better idea to keep you mouth shut.
Anyway, to all my brothers and sisters in angst out there. How have you dealt with what seemed to you to be an impossible situation? What resources were available to you? And what kept you sane?
A friend of mine and I started writing music together. We called ourselves 'Brothers Angst'. Today, I decided to use the monicker of 'Brothers Angst' to vent my frustrations that is my life, as well as invite others to vent theirs as well...and possibly, we can help each other get through our pain and become healthy people.
Over the last couple of years, I have been in a very unhealthy marriage. It is really my own fault for allowing the relationship to get to the marriage itself, but that is not the issue right now. Right now, I am in the impossible position of trying maneuver past the bamboo stick traps that have been set for me.
I know, I am being very vague. At this point, I have to. Legal reasons. Words can be used against me and I don't feel like having the application of my first amendment right of free speech used against me. I may be free to say whatever I want, but sometimes it is a better idea to keep you mouth shut.
Anyway, to all my brothers and sisters in angst out there. How have you dealt with what seemed to you to be an impossible situation? What resources were available to you? And what kept you sane?
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